Being from Zimbabwe, I grew up with a political dictator ruling the country. Ruining the country, many will say. When I was nineteen years old, I had a minor run-in with one of his armed regime-enforcers and their AK47, and that is what caused me to promptly move to another country.
This year I have been working with my beliefs, dreams, habits, etc. A few months ago I had a night dream where I was walking through a tunnel with a similar character to Bob Marley, a very chatty, friendly, and enigmatic man, and for some reason I was really scared.
Working on myself, using process work (Arnold Mindell) and the model laid out in Healing the Fragmented Selves by Janina Fisher, I’ve ironically come to realize that I have had a freedom-fighter aspect of myself, kinda like Bob Marley, which has acted like a dictator during the making of many of my personal big life decisions.
So much of what I have been valuing and seeking is related to freedom from oppression. Freedom from depressive environments. Freedom from a rigid structure. Freedom from feeling in danger. Freedom from having to respond to the needs of others when I do not feel safe. Etc.
Here is the ironic bit. That unconscious act of fighting for freedom continued to cycle through me and became rigid in its’ nature.
It became somewhat akin to an in dictator, who felt like a victim of a bigger situation … and in the process of that, other necessary parts of myself were marginalised.
The part that was saying “slow down, I want some community and connection around me” was ignored.
The tiredness felt whilst getting out of bed in the morning and the heaviness in my body.
The part that was saying “I am tired. I am depressed” was absolutely ignored!
I missed/ignored many of those feelings/messages, and by doing so I unconsciously continued making myself into the victim.
So, the messages began to appear in my body as an illness - as arthritis … see the resemblance…the rigidity? One’s mind and body is actually the same thing … no joke ;)
Still, the freedom-fighter/dictator was in control saying, “work harder at what you’re doing, you’re on your way to living the dream. Don’t let anything stop you now!!!”
Well. My body did stop me. I was struggling to put a seatbelt on without wincing in pain. I went to a Doctor who prescribed these fast-acting meds with dangerous side-effects, but I only paid attention to ‘fast-acting’, so I took them and they allowed me to continue on my narrow path to freedom, for a few years. But again my body stopped me … this time with the side effects and an even scarier health message. Luckily, that time I listened.
I am learning how our history and unconscious beliefs (especially when trauma is involved) can prime us for chronic illnesses and disruptions. And how those symptoms are pleas from marginalised fragments of a holistic being, asking for attention and love.
Through my own therapy I have realised that I am not entirely a victim of the earlier experiences in my life. They lasted for a certain period of time, and it was the deeply felt sensations and beliefs that got stuck and still existed years later. Exploring the memories has helped me to gain awareness of my own strength and truly feel strong.
It’s humbling to realise of the power of slowing down. Having a greater awareness to myself, others. and nature. Having a community around me, and actively partaking in giving and receiving from a diverse range of people. It is amazing what extent of health benefits all of that holds! I now know a new level of freedom that allows me to be gentle, less marginalising, and still fierce. Bonus - I very rarely experience pain in my joints now.
In process work, we work with roles. In a recent therapy session, I expressed how part of me wanted to just get on with exploring traumatic events from my past, whilst another part was pressing down hard on the brakes and voicing not being willing to go there (the freedom fighter)! The therapist empathised with the protection role … of course, I have worked so hard to find freedom and build a happy life for myself, why would I want to go back to open old wounds? By doing some roleplay, it soon became apparent why… because that is where the gold is … because that is how I will learn about self-love and compassion.
Not just for myself. Also for the armed regime-enforcer who disturbed me enough to leave my (colonial) home. And maybe even for the dictator who fought to the absolute extreme (destruction) for his own safety and freedom.
A good few years ago, I had a discussion about how depression does not seem to be very prevalent in poorer communities - places like Africa. How wrong I was … it is prevalent. Often the lifestyle, social, economic, and cultural fabric of society does not acknowledge its’ presence. However, I am learning that these unhappy feelings find other ways to make themselves known, with a diverse range of health and cultural signals.