The Timing and Aligning of Trauma Unravelment

The world of therapy is currently full of trauma centred approaches, labels, possible symptoms, and methods to heal trauma wounds, etc.

Today I want to share a snippet about my own experience of trauma.

In my early twenties, I went to a drop-in counselling centre, sat down with a lady who looked maybe a couple of years younger than myself then …. I walked out ten minutes later (sorry, lady), as I did not feel that she had enough life experience to handle what I needed help with - even though I didn’t know what I was needing help with.

Last year, I went for a counselling session as part of an assignment, and again I brought up this issue. The therapist was very lovely and reassuring. She explained to me that I could move forward with my life by leaving the past behind me, and she gave me a bunch of photocopies of articles that she thought I might find helpful. It was soothing.

You see, I’ve had this ‘snapshot’ of a memory for as long as I can remember. It makes little sense, because it is as if I was seeing the scene from up against the ceiling of a room, and I couldn’t see who the faces of the people involved. It comes with a bunch of sad emotions, strongly felt sensations in my body, and that’s about it.

Yesterday, with the help of a very caring therapist, Lisa Blair, this memory was expanded into something akin to a 4K video, with everything clearly visible … it’s like a detective’s case finally being solved and closed. I have so much gratitude for this unfolding happening just how it has. The trail of breadcrumbs now make sense.

Nature does not hurry;

She goes at her own pace,

like seasons,

like the Earth turns.

- David Bedrick

Today, I have been reflecting on the innate wisdom of this entire process. This year, I am being held in such a compassionate space, by many, whether I accept it or not. Earlier this week, so many unusual events happened … all in perfect alignment. I am finding it astounding … trying to comprehend just how powerful nature’s timing is - I now have a deep trust in believing that she really knows what she is doing!

I used to believe that I would not be able to access the details of this memory. This personal experience gives me a great awareness of just how intelligent and incredible our ability to keep ourselves sane and safe truly is.

When people dissociate, drift off, go into Lala land, don’t know what is going on within themselves, etc, we have been generally taught that there is something wrong with them, maybe they are mentally unwell, or maybe they are being non-compliant with your attempts to help them. Right now, that mindset seems to be lacking in heartfelt quality and the holding of space for them. Maybe their own wisdom is standing strong whilst protecting them until they are strong enough in themselves to begin integrating their experiences into their identity.

When exploring this more, I found myself thinking that if we see ourselves as helpers/healers/experts, we might become resentful of another not reacting how we wish them to, or growing beyond what we expect of them. If we can learn and be of service, we become a stepping stone, supporting other people's truly unique and deeply personal growth.

*No one method works for all. No human wisdom suits all. These observations are wisdom to me … if they don’t resonate with you, by all means, ignore them. Personal boundaries are very usefool things.

“My teachings are easy to understand
and easy to put into practice.
Yet your intellect will never grasp them.

My teachings are older than the world.
How can you grasp their meaning?

If you want to know me,
Look inside your heart.”

— Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

“SO PEACE IS NOT A PLACE YOU ARRIVE AT. PEACE IS ACCEPTING THINGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE, CHARACTER IS HOW ONE PERCEIVES THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND PERSONALITY IS WHAT ONE DOES WITH THEM. TO FIND PEACE IS TO REALISE THE VALUE AND NECESSITY OF IMPERMANENCE IN EVERYTHING. TO KNOW IMPERMANENCE ONE KNOWS LOSS AND PAIN. TO HAVE OVERCOME LOSS ONE BECOMES FAMILIAR WITH JOY. TO ACCEPT JOY, ONE FINDS, BELIEVES AND ACTS WITH LOVE.”

— My twenty-five year old self.

Fighting for Freedom

Being from Zimbabwe, I grew up with a political dictator ruling the country. Ruining the country, many will say. When I was nineteen years old, I had a minor run-in with one of his armed regime-enforcers and their AK47, and that is what caused me to promptly move to another country.

This year I have been working with my beliefs, dreams, habits, etc. A few months ago I had a night dream where I was walking through a tunnel with a similar character to Bob Marley, a very chatty, friendly, and enigmatic man, and for some reason I was really scared.

Working on myself, using process work (Arnold Mindell) and the model laid out in Healing the Fragmented Selves by Janina Fisher, I’ve ironically come to realize that I have had a freedom-fighter aspect of myself, kinda like Bob Marley, which has acted like a dictator during the making of many of my personal big life decisions.

So much of what I have been valuing and seeking is related to freedom from oppression. Freedom from depressive environments. Freedom from a rigid structure. Freedom from feeling in danger. Freedom from having to respond to the needs of others when I do not feel safe. Etc.

Here is the ironic bit. That unconscious act of fighting for freedom continued to cycle through me and became rigid in its’ nature.

It became somewhat akin to an in dictator, who felt like a victim of a bigger situation … and in the process of that, other necessary parts of myself were marginalised.

The part that was saying “slow down, I want some community and connection around me” was ignored.

The tiredness felt whilst getting out of bed in the morning and the heaviness in my body.

The part that was saying “I am tired. I am depressed” was absolutely ignored!

I missed/ignored many of those feelings/messages, and by doing so I unconsciously continued making myself into the victim.

So, the messages began to appear in my body as an illness - as arthritis … see the resemblance…the rigidity? One’s mind and body is actually the same thing … no joke ;)

Still, the freedom-fighter/dictator was in control saying, “work harder at what you’re doing, you’re on your way to living the dream. Don’t let anything stop you now!!!”

Well. My body did stop me. I was struggling to put a seatbelt on without wincing in pain. I went to a Doctor who prescribed these fast-acting meds with dangerous side-effects, but I only paid attention to ‘fast-acting’, so I took them and they allowed me to continue on my narrow path to freedom, for a few years. But again my body stopped me … this time with the side effects and an even scarier health message. Luckily, that time I listened.

I am learning how our history and unconscious beliefs (especially when trauma is involved) can prime us for chronic illnesses and disruptions. And how those symptoms are pleas from marginalised fragments of a holistic being, asking for attention and love.

Through my own therapy I have realised that I am not entirely a victim of the earlier experiences in my life. They lasted for a certain period of time, and it was the deeply felt sensations and beliefs that got stuck and still existed years later. Exploring the memories has helped me to gain awareness of my own strength and truly feel strong.

It’s humbling to realise of the power of slowing down. Having a greater awareness to myself, others. and nature. Having a community around me, and actively partaking in giving and receiving from a diverse range of people. It is amazing what extent of health benefits all of that holds! I now know a new level of freedom that allows me to be gentle, less marginalising, and still fierce. Bonus - I very rarely experience pain in my joints now.

In process work, we work with roles. In a recent therapy session, I expressed how part of me wanted to just get on with exploring traumatic events from my past, whilst another part was pressing down hard on the brakes and voicing not being willing to go there (the freedom fighter)! The therapist empathised with the protection role … of course, I have worked so hard to find freedom and build a happy life for myself, why would I want to go back to open old wounds? By doing some roleplay, it soon became apparent why… because that is where the gold is … because that is how I will learn about self-love and compassion.

Not just for myself. Also for the armed regime-enforcer who disturbed me enough to leave my (colonial) home. And maybe even for the dictator who fought to the absolute extreme (destruction) for his own safety and freedom.

A good few years ago, I had a discussion about how depression does not seem to be very prevalent in poorer communities - places like Africa. How wrong I was … it is prevalent. Often the lifestyle, social, economic, and cultural fabric of society does not acknowledge its’ presence. However, I am learning that these unhappy feelings find other ways to make themselves known, with a diverse range of health and cultural signals.

The paradox of control and change

Oooof. Last night I dreamt I was sitting on the floor of the what was commonly called the servants quarters, at my family home in Zimbabwe. In front of me is a man, and he is talking to me, sharing something deeply personal. I feel an intense compassion, and then a huge surprise/shock in realising that I can care really deeply about someone who lives in the servants quarters!

I woke up and told my husband the dream, describing how vastly different the architecture of my living area and their area was. And then I briefly talked about it with someone on my study committee. They asked if there were ever kids who lived in the living quarters... yes, our maid's granddaughter and I would get a blackboard out and we would sit in the kitchen or garden, whilst I tried teach her English spelling. The rank differences are so big!!!

My schooling, upbringing, society, government all uphold strict morals and rules. My work place now has strict policies and guidelines. In some shape or form, they dictate to me what is expected of me, and they offer safety. Yet I keep brushing up against these very systems... medical diagnosis that led to further ill health, government visas that split up my family, seeing people fall through the cracks due to funding criteria of health services, etc.

I know I have a level of higher rank in society, and this privilege has gifted me with so so much. At the same time, I am learning how challenging it is now to step out of conditioned situations where there is a strong sense of control/authority, deeply perceived as safety. I didn't need to develop an inner sense of guidance.

Without those systems of control, I meet my own low-rank, which until this compassionate dream, has felt a bit like being a chicken with its' head chopped off.